Nobel Prize and ....

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing

in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing.

Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the

farmer and asks him, “Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what

you are doing?”

“I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer replies.

“A Nobel Prize?” asks Bob, puzzled, “How?”

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing

in their field.”

********

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through

the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38

revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your

Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you

gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a

couple-a bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with

anudder man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"

*******************

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

***********************

 

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

***************************

An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She counters, "You could go and ask them."

He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them."

She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Noticing the way you're dressed, I wonder where you're from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

 

********************************

Nine year old Billy asked his dad, 'Where did I come from?'

Dad, figuring this was the first of many special father and son talks, began to explain the facts of life using words and concepts he figured his son would understand.

After noticing different facial expressions on his son's face, Daddy asked, 'Do you understand what I just told you? Do you have any questions?'

Billy responded, 'I guess what you told me is OK and all, but Johnny next door told me his father said he came from Edmonton. So I just wanted to know where I came from.'

***********************************

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: ' Well There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.' 

********************************

An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.

After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"

**********************************

 

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really

good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and

there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I

would hit the ball right over that tree."

So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not too

far from where it  started.

"Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree

was only 3 feet tall."

********************************

Grandma’s boyfriend

A 5-year-old Johnny went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

Little Johnny heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s preacher. The preacher said, “Hello son, is your Grandma home?”

Johnny replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom, bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The preacher fainted.

 

***********************************

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

*************************************

Mrs Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test, but if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know.

The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of where I only have two?

Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."

Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"

Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some ‘who am I’ questions, okay?"

Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny: "Arrow."

Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

  

*******************************************

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was: "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I  to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those among my cohort who spelled SPINE became doctors; the rest are in Parliament now. 

******************************************

 

  

Why Hollywood marriages don’t last

And why teaching may be hazardous to your marriage

Published on September 13, 2009 by Satoshi Kanazawa in The Scientific Fundamentalist

Douglas T. Kenrick of the Arizona State University is one of the leading evolutionary psychologists in the world. He's also widely regarded as the funniest evolutionary psychologist alive. Among Kenrick's numerous scientific achievements are a series of experiments he conducted with his ASU colleagues in the late 1980s and early 1990s, which indirectly launched my career in evolutionary psychology, and led to their discovery of a significant phenomenon known as the contrast effect.
In one of these experiments, Kenrick and colleagues showed men either 16 Playboy centerfolds or 16 abstract art slides. Those who viewed the Playboy centerfolds subsequently rated their girlfriends as less sexually attractive and expressed less love for them than those who viewed the abstract art. In another experiment, Kenrick and colleagues showed men either seven photographs of physically attractive women or seven photographs of average-looking women. Those who viewed pictures of physically attractive women rated their girlfriends less physically attractive and expressed less commitment to their relationships with them than those who viewed pictures of average-looking women.
What Kenrick and colleagues discovered in these experiments is now known as the contrast effect. Because their current girlfriends tend to pale in comparison to the Playboy centerfold models or physically attractive women, men come to view their girlfriends as less attractive and become less satisfied with them when they are faced with much more attractive potential alternatives. Never mind the fact that none of these men will ever get to date the Playboy centerfolds. Their brains cannot comprehend that, because there were no photographs in the ancestral environment. Any woman that our male ancestors "saw" was a potential mate.
In 2000, Kenrick's remarkable findings led Mary C. Still and me to pose two questions. First, if men can become more dissatisfied with their current girlfriends after viewing only 7 or 16 photographs of more attractive women in one brief experimental session, what would be the cumulative effect for men of being constantly exposed to young, attractive women? Second, are there any behavioral consequences of their dissatisfaction with their girlfriends as a result of their exposure to physically attractive women? In other words, do these men do anything about their dissatisfaction?
Because women's reproductive value (the number of children they are likely to have in the remainder of their reproductive careers) peaks at menarche (onset of menstruation), and their fertility (the actual number of children that women have) is highest in their early 20s, men's evolved psychological mechanisms incline them to find women who are in their teenage years and early 20s more physically and sexually attractive than older women, despite laws of civilized society concerning the age of consent and the minimum age of marriage. Compared to most adult women, teenage girls also have lower waist-to-hip ratios that men prefer, as I explain in an earlier post.
Few occupations and professions afford men with greater opportunities to come in contact with women in their teenage years than teachers in secondary and postsecondary schools. These teachers experience the cumulative effect of exposure, day after day, year after year, to young, attractive women who are at the peak of their reproductive value and fertility more acutely than men in most other occupations. If the findings of Kenrick et al. generalize beyond their experimental stimuli (exposure to a few photographs of attractive women during an experimental session) and if the contrast effect is cumulative, then male teachers in secondary and postsecondary schools should be more dissatisfied with their mates than other men. If there are behavioral consequences to their dissatisfaction, then these male teachers should be more likely to be divorced or separated than other men.
Our analysis of the General Social Survey data showed that male secondary and postsecondary school teachers were significantly more likely to be currently divorced and significantly less likely to remarry than men in other occupations. This effect is not observable among male kindergarten and elementary school teachers. Nor are female teachers in secondary and postsecondary schools more likely to be currently divorced or less likely to remarry. So it's not about being a teacher per se. The significantly higher likelihood of being currently divorced and lower likelihood of remarriage are observed only among male teachers in secondary schools and universities, those who are surrounded by young nubile women all the time.
This study was widely covered by the media back in 2000. The question that I was most frequently asked by journalists back then was "What other occupations, besides teachers in secondary and postsecondary schools, would lead men to experience a greater risk of divorce due to the contrast effect? In what other occupations are men surrounded by young nubile women?"
     




I think the most obvious answer is Hollywood actors. There is always a new generation of younger and younger starlets in Hollywood, while their actress/model wives can only get older. The mating career of Tom Cruise illustrates this perfectly. Mimi Rogers (his first wife) was six years older than him (illustrating another finding by Doug Kenrick that, while men generally prefer younger women, teenage boys prefer older women because, for them, younger women would be subfecund or infertile, although Tom Cruise was 24 when he married Rogers). Nicole Kidman, his next wife, was five years younger than him. Penelope Cruz, his next long-term girlfriend, was 12 years younger than him. And Katie Holmes, his current wife, is 16 years younger than him. I'm guessing his next wife will be one of the Olsen twins (who are 24 years younger than him).
The contrast effect, which Kenrick and his colleagues discovered in their ingenious experiments, can explain why Hollywood actors are notorious for their short, unstable marriages and relationships. Just like male high school teachers and university professors, Hollywood actors are constantly surrounded by young attractive women.

How to Avoid Common Marriage Traps

Can you spot a good marriage? I was pretty sure I could, starting with my own. My husband and I rarely argued, we had similar careers, we shared common interests. Things weren't perfect, but we seemed to be humming along in harmony better than most other couples we knew. In fact, nobody was more surprised than we were when our 17-year marriage ended in a New Jersey divorce court.

It turns out, though, that the signs of trouble had been there all along, if only I'd known what to look for. Instead, I was judging my marriage by the wrong standards—which, I've since learned, most of us do. In one now-famous study, researchers asked therapists, married couples, and others to watch videotaped conversations of ten couples and try to identify the relationships that had ultimately ended in divorce. The results were abysmal—even the therapists guessed wrong half the time.

So how can you diagnose the health of your relationship? Armed with huge volumes of data on married couples, scientists have identified some simple but powerful indicators that can help couples recognize marital strife long before their relationship hits the skids.

The Way You Were
Imagine a couple that go hiking on their first date. In a happy marriage, the wife might tell the story this way: "We got terribly lost that day. It took us hours to find our way back, but we laughed about how neither of us had a good sense of direction. After that, we knew better than to plan another hiking trip!"

But if the relationship was stressed, she might tell the story this way: "He lost the map, and it took hours to find our way back. After that, I never wanted to go hiking again." Same story, but instead of reflecting a sense of togetherness—using pronouns like "we" and "us"—it's laced with negativity. Research has shown that analyzing what's known as the marital narrative—the way you talk about the good and bad times of your early years together—is about 90 percent accurate in predicting which marriages will succeed or fail.

Had I been paying attention, my own how-we-met story could have told me a lot about how I was feeling in my marriage. Early in the relationship, when asked about our first date, I recounted a magical evening that ended with a walk around the Texas capitol building in Austin. I often laughed about the fact that I was limping the whole time because I'd recently had surgery on my foot. But later in my marriage, I changed the story slightly, always adding, "Of course, he didn't even notice."

Fight or Flight
When my husband and I first married, I felt lucky that we almost never fought. But studies show it's a mistake to judge the quality of a relationship by how much or how little you argue, particularly in the early years.

University of Washington researchers studied newlywed couples and learned, not surprisingly, that those who rarely argued were happier in the relationship than those who fought often. But three years later, the findings had reversed. Couples with an early history of bickering had worked out their problems and were more likely to be in stable marriages. The couples who'd avoided conflict early on were more likely to be in troubled relationships or already divorced.

Obviously, fighting that includes violence or verbal abuse is never acceptable. But most marital spats represent an opportunity to resolve conflicts and make things better. "We need to learn to tolerate conflict in our relationships," says Carolyn Cowan, a longtime marriage and family researcher at the University of California, Berkeley.

A Show of Contempt
As strange as it might sound, one of the clearest signs of marital trouble is a simple and common facial expression: eye-rolling. The same researchers at the University of Washington found that even when it's accompanied by a laugh or a smile, eye-rolling is harmful because of what it indicates: contempt, a sign that you no longer value your partner.

"This kind of sarcastic nonverbal gesture doesn't clearly state the person's disagreement—making it difficult for the recipient to respond," says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the Ohio State University College of Medicine. She also notes that signs of contempt are a powerful indication that your relationship may need outside help. "While the first step is, of course, to stop the behavior, it's also important to explore the reasons behind it," she says.

The Balance of Power
During my marriage, I often deferred to my husband when it came to deciding where we went on vacation and how we spent our weekends. It wasn't until we were divorced that I realized that our social lives rarely involved my favorite activities.

"When the social activities are controlled by one person, that is a risk factor for a relationship," says Howard Markman, PhD, psychology professor at the University of Denver. Markman says it's not enough to do something nice for your partner; you have to do "nice things in a way that's meaningful to your partner." That means asking for his honest opinion about how he prefers to spend his time, and then making plans—whether it's a romantic dinner or just watching Netflix at home—that accommodate both of your interests.

Staying in Sync
If you asked my husband why we split up, he would tell you that we just weren't compatible—despite the fact that we were both journalists, loved to travel, came from similar family backgrounds, and had dozens of friends in common. But Ted Huston, PhD, a professor in the department of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas at Austin, notes that the simple fact of questioning whether you're still compatible with a partner appears to be an indicator of marital unhappiness.

In many marriages, "a lack of compatibility" is really a catchall phrase couples use to express general discontent about the relationship, Huston says. In fact, in his study of 168 Pennsylvania couples, those who eventually split up were no less compatible in their leisure interests and their ideas about marriage than those who stayed together.

Tara Parker-Pope is the wellness blogger for The New York Times and the author of For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage (Dutton)

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Relationship-Red-Flags-and-the-Science-Behind-a-Good-Marriage/2#ixzz2Xwfuw5Jl

Marriage by the Numbers

Happily married? The number of Americans who describe their marriage as "very happy" dropped by almost 10 percent over the past 33 years.

Help! The number of therapists in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) jumped from 237 in 1960 to 24,000 in 2007.

What Marge Simpson could have told you but scientists went ahead and proved anyway: The further down the totem pole a man is at his job, the less likely he is to help out around the house.

No permission required: The average age of consent to marry without parental permission in the United States is 18. In New Hampshire, girls as young as 13 can marry (with their parents' permission).

Hoping to click: About 23 million of us use a computer to find a soul mate.

Mousing around: In 2003, the Ashley Madison Agency, a website for married people looking to have an affair, had 50,000 members; in 2007, it has more than 1.2 million.

The bad news: The New York Times recently reported that we're a nation of singles—51 percent of American women live without a spouse!

The good news: It's not true. The figure included females ages 15 to 17, most of whom still live with their parents and are too young to legally marry anyway. Whew.

The "eh" news: The actual number is about 48 percent—still high, but not a sign that the institution of marriage is dead.

From the June 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/The-Latest-Marriage-Statistics#ixzz2XwfSrqh6

The Real Scoop on Hollywood Marriage

Average time between meeting at a party and million-dollar wedding: Six weeks.

Average time for celebrities to realize that their soul mate is their current co-star (and not the person they married): Six months after the million-dollar wedding.

Average length of Hollywood marriage: Inversely proportionate to the amount of press the couple does to tell the world how much they're in love.

Adjusted longevity of Hollywood marriages: Converted into human years, one year is equal to five years of an average couple's marriage.

Possible tipping point for many Hollywood divorces: Getting a tattoo of spouse's name, likeness, and/or "Property of…."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/The-Truth-About-Love-and-Marriage-in-Hollywood#ixzz2XweoB6Fm