Nobel Prize and ....

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing

in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing.

Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the

farmer and asks him, “Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what

you are doing?”

“I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer replies.

“A Nobel Prize?” asks Bob, puzzled, “How?”

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing

in their field.”

********

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through

the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38

revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your

Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you

gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a

couple-a bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with

anudder man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"

*******************

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

***********************

 

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

***************************

An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She counters, "You could go and ask them."

He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them."

She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Noticing the way you're dressed, I wonder where you're from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

 

********************************

Nine year old Billy asked his dad, 'Where did I come from?'

Dad, figuring this was the first of many special father and son talks, began to explain the facts of life using words and concepts he figured his son would understand.

After noticing different facial expressions on his son's face, Daddy asked, 'Do you understand what I just told you? Do you have any questions?'

Billy responded, 'I guess what you told me is OK and all, but Johnny next door told me his father said he came from Edmonton. So I just wanted to know where I came from.'

***********************************

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: ' Well There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.' 

********************************

An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.

After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply, "Which trip?"

**********************************

 

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really

good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and

there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I

would hit the ball right over that tree."

So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not too

far from where it  started.

"Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree

was only 3 feet tall."

********************************

Grandma’s boyfriend

A 5-year-old Johnny went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

Little Johnny heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s preacher. The preacher said, “Hello son, is your Grandma home?”

Johnny replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom, bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The preacher fainted.

 

***********************************

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

*************************************

Mrs Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test, but if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know.

The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of where I only have two?

Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."

Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"

Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some ‘who am I’ questions, okay?"

Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny: "Arrow."

Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

  

*******************************************

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was: "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I  to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those among my cohort who spelled SPINE became doctors; the rest are in Parliament now. 

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